Winning a Million

Although I haven't been very active on this blog for a while, I was astonished to find that my hit counter is approaching a million hits. This makes it, by far, the most popular thing I have ever written.

(If you come across this blog somewhere and wonder if it's still active, it is. You can comment on any post, no matter how old, and I will respond. I think some of my previous posts need a little bit of a revisit though).

I had to write a post to commemorate this astonishing outcome. When I started this blog (in 2011!), it was because Vivienne was trapped. I couldn't dress openly; I had never been out dressed; I had never met other trans people. My makeup and dress sense were awful. I was aching to be free, and I was frustrated and miserable. My only outlet for my feminine feelings and identity was the Internet, which is where I really began to understand how many, many other trans people are out there.

One divorce later, and I began to take my first steps as Vivienne in the real world. With the help and support of my partner (who has chosen the name Missy for this blog), I began to try different looks, and to experiment with makeup. I had my first few (terrifying) outings in public. Although I was expecting uncomfortable confrontations, I have literally had not a single problem ever, and this has boosted my confidence enormously.

One in a million: selfie

The other thing which has boosted my confidence has been meeting the lovely people from the local Pride group, and going along to their many social events. I've met a wonderful, funny, quirky, accepting, group of people, and now I have friends who have literally never seen me dressed as a man! I even met Richard O'Brien!

The Look

One of the things which is most important to work on is obviously the look. Coincidentally, one million is approximately the number of selfies I have taken. It certainly feels like that, anyway!

I love to smile in selfies. First, because I'm naturally a smily person. Second, because I think smiling is attractive. I don't always smile, but my attempts to look thoughtful, emotive, alluring, or just deep and meaningful, don't usually turn out well!

I don't use filters on my selfies, although I do use the Portrait mode on my iPhone, which subtly alters the colour balance in the photographs to make the image more flattering (and blurs the background).

And of course, I never used to post actual selfies on this blog; only ones which were incredibly blurry and therefore unrecognisable, such as on this page.

Milestones

This week, apart from my hit count, I have been reflecting on how many milestones I have achieved since I first spread my wings. A few short years ago, many of these experiences would have seemed impossible, and yet every one, both great and small, is precious.

Coming Out. I literally used to keep a spreadsheet of people who knew about Vivienne. It had three columns: knew my real name/job, had seen a picture of me, had met me in real life. This was my way of keeping track (at the insistence of my ex-wife) of the people who knew, so that a tight lid could be kept on everything.

While I'm still wary of coming completely out at work, friends have suggested (semi-jokingly) that I should just turn up for work one day dressed as Vivienne and have fun with everyone's reactions. I'm not there yet, folks! But I do comfortably admit to people that I'm a doctor (something I previously kept concealed) because I was terrified of being outed and the unwelcome consequences this might bring. I'm part of my hospital's Rainbow Network, and I'm a member of Pride in Medicine and PATHA. There are now lots of people at work who know about my double life--and I theirs!

I've even been on the stage as Vivienne, talking about my experiences as a junior doctor.

I'm very nearly at the stage where I would be comfortable encountering someone in a public place who doesn't know. I've already had a couple of near-misses, and my fem social life is frequent enough that it seems inevitable that this will occur. If it does, I will be sure to let you know how it goes!

Clothing. At first, all my clothing was bought at charity shops, or online. It was a bit of a lottery about what would look good and what wouldn't. Obviously I do worry, because my underlying chassis is (let's be honest) a dad body, complete with paunch, and I need flowing, flattering clothes to try to hide it. I don't have any sleeveless dresses. But I do have some trans-specific shapewear to help make my silhouette more convincing.

Now, not only do I have a really lovely wardrobe with lots of options (casual, cosy, glam), but I'm completely comfortable buying Vivienne clothes and shoes (God, I love shoes!) in stores, either dressed or not. And along with clothing, I have actual jewellery; not plastic costume jewellery, but rings, bracelets, necklaces and earrings which I have chosen just for me! Getting my ears pierced was a big step here: I felt incredibly vulnerable going into work with my new, very subtle studs, but at weekends I can finally wear beautiful dangly earrings and enjoy the feeling!

Makeup and Hair. Again, makeup was a journey, and it's one I'm not finished. I have a daytime look which works, and an evening look which works, but I'd like to be able to be more versatile with makeup. I still find my skin gets oily, despite the use of primer, foundation, setting powder and then setting spray. There must be a solution out there!

I've had a couple of makeovers, and I've made a couple of appointments with a makeup artist, who has been really good at helping with specifics like eye liner and rouge. That (plus a lot of practice) has made a huge difference. After many appointments with the lovely woman who waxes my legs, she was keen that I should turn up dressed for an appointment, and so I did, and it was lovely.

I know this might sound a bit strange, but one of the things I noticed about dressing much more often is running out of cosmetics. Previously I dressed so rarely that cosmetics basically never ran out. Only in the last week I've had to buy more lip liner and an eyebrow pencil, because the ones I used have run out. I'm not quite going through a bottle a week of liquid foundation, but it's pretty close!

Along with makeup, I've also been to a wig specialist, who helped me choose a lovely wig (in the pictures) which is a good colour match for me, and is a lovely, feminine and flattering style. I now have a small collection of wigs.

Social Life. This year we had Pride Month, as usual. I went along to the local Pride Pub Quiz, but unfortunately I was late to sign up, so I didn't have a team. I hoped to join in with some other people who I knew, but the organisers were strict that it was only six people to a team. Not to worry, they said: there are other people who haven't got a team, so we'll stick you in a group together.

It was five women and me; we had never met before, but we got on like a house on fire and they treated me like one of the girls. We've had several social events (one just this week) for catchups, dinner and drinkies and general girly gossip. I can't tell you how incredibly affirming this is. At this week's dinner I got chatting to a woman at a neighbouring table, and she just chatted away as if I was just another woman. Pink fog!

This lovely group comes on top of all the other social events, with Pride, Queer Women, and all the rest. Someone hold me back!

Blog Statistics

But enough about me--how is the blog doing? In previous posts I have tried to give information about my popular posts. Let's take another look at the statistics that Blogger provides. It's clear that the global picture of trans awareness and acceptance has changed considerably since this blog was started. It has made general acceptance much easier; trans people are out, and we're not going back in, as the huge Pride events in major cities around the world have shown. On the other hand, the haters and deniers are still there, and they're gaining purchase in some places.

The ten most popular countries viewing this blog, in order, are:

• The USA, with 367K views. No surprises there.
• The UK, the country of my birth, with 125K hits.
• Russia, with 77.7K views. I'm not sure how restricted the access to the internet is in Russia, but I take these hits as good news. Despite what Mr. Putin is trying to do, there are doubtless many, many LGBTQI+ people in Russia keeping their heads down and trying to get through. To all of you I say: Будьте сильны и знайте, что вы не одиноки.
• Germany, with 40.7K votes. Viel Spaß mit Ihrem Lippenstift, meine Damen!
• France, with 34.1K votes. Cherchez la femme!
• Canada, with 33.9K votes. This is beginning to feel like Eurovision. La Norvège? Nul points!
• Singapore, a surprise entry for such a small country, with 27.1K votes. Hello Singapore! You've done a lot better than my own country, New Zealand, with only 3.11K votes!
• Hong Kong, with 21.6K votes.
• Australia, with 14.5K votes. Kylie, I still think you're gorgeous.
• And bringing up the rear we have Brazil, with 11.6K votes. Is it true that you've all got to do that thing? You know, down below? Is it the law?

The ten most popular pages, in order, are these. It's curious that so many of these very popular posts are among my older work (in fact, none of them are newer than 10 years!!). This possibly represents the fact that the rate of hits (and posts!) is gradually declining (with the occasional uptick), which is my fault because I don't post often enough to keep people coming back!

Feel free to check out these popular posts, although I have to say that I think some of my less well-trodden posts are definitely worthy of your attention too!

1. Women Who Crossdress, with 19.4K hits. It's interesting that this post should be so high up the popularity charts. Back in 2016 it was only in 4th place. Clearly this is a subject which keeps people interested!
2. Emma Ballantyne, with 17.5K hits, and if we add the other post, Emma Ballantyne Speaks, with 7.72K hits, we would have 27K hits, making Emma the absolute winner. This is no surprise; I'm sure her popular YouTube channel (still active, still amazing) has admirers looking on the web for more info about her. Emma is up from 7th position last time.
3. Men With Long Nails, with 15.7K hits. Another long-time favourite, up from 6th position.
4. Jan Hamilton, with 14.1K hits. Now known as Abigail Austen, she was my previous Number One post.
5. Jaye Davidson, with 13.2K hits. Jaye's beautiful androgynous appearance (beautiful as a woman or a man) fascinated audiences, but his disappearance from the public eye seems only to have intensified interest in him.
6. Men in Skirts. 12.6K people are interested in why men would wear skirts.
7. Leah True, with 11.6K hits. She remains perennially popular (number 5, back in 2016), and I would love to do an interview with her. If anyone knows her, please ask her to get in touch!
8. Female Bodybuilding is still popular. In 3rd position last time, it's still going strong (!) with 10.1K hits.
9. Pete Burns, is a new entry with 8.64K hits.
10. This would also have been Emma Ballantyne, but instead I'm giving this place to my interview with the extraordinary Helen Boyd, with 5.88K hits.

If you fancied trying something which isn't in the Top 10, my personal recommendations would be my series on JK Rowling (not even in the Top 20!), Galileo's Middle Finger (trust me), Sex and Gender in Sports, or Rachel Dolezal. But I'm hopeful that you'll find all of my posts to have something interesting to say, and I plan to continue to discuss trans issues in a balanced and scholarly way.

Meanwhile, if you're a regular visitor or an occasional browser, thank you for making you contribution toward my million hits, and let's hope we can manage to get to two million in due course!

Love, Vivienne. XX

Vivienne in Drag!

For some time now I've been considering the subject of drag. I'm still not sure about the relationship between drag and trans. I've asked quite a lot of people, without coming to any firm conclusions.

One thing is certain. Drag, as a form of entertainment, has really hit the big time, and become much more mainstream lately. I'm certain it's due, more or less completely, to RuPaul (which, I just discovered, is actually his birth name) and his various shows, which have become popular all around the world (even here in New Zealand).

Condragulations!

But my main discussion of drag will need to wait for another article (or twelve!). I'd been wondering for a while whether drag would have something useful to offer me, to improve my presentation. In particular, I have quite oily skin, and I find that, no matter how much primer and setting powder I use, my face starts to look shiny after only a couple of hours when I'm out--especially when it's warm! Meanwhile, drag queens do dance routines under hot stage lights, and they seem to still look fine. Secondly, I wanted to see if perhaps drag queen shapewear could improve my fem shape (that's for another time!).

So I was quite pleased when a NZ drag queen, Piper Blaster, was offering a Drag Makeup Workshop in a (very cold and draughty) local theatre, and I duly signed up and went along with a friend. Piper took us through the whole makeup routine, in a workshop lasting about three hours. And this is the result!

There were some makeup techniques that I already knew about, such as applying glue to your eyebrows to conceal the brow hairs completely against the skin, so that you can paint new brows in more dramatic places. But most of it was completely new to me, including the many, many layers of makeup you need to apply (I basically lost count of them!). The makeup was also heavy and theatrical--as Piper says, you're putting on a face which has to be seen from the back of the room. So the contouring is deliberately emphasised to maximise contrast.

I have to say the finished outcome wasn't quite what I expected. I'd hoped to find some tricks to look more feminine, more passable, but instead I found the look too overcooked. But what did I expect? I went to a Drag Makeup Workshop and came away looking like a drag queen! This isn't, in any way, a criticism of Piper--or her excellent workshop.

Miss Vivi Section?

Piper says that for her, the drag character emerges once the false eyelashes are in place. That's the moment when the look becomes real for her. I didn't really experience the emergence of my inner drag diva. Although I had fun striking poses with the other people there, I didn't feel dressed for the part (since I'd come in wearing a pair of jeans and a pullover!).

Would I do it again? I'm not sure I would. First, drag is about over-the-top, flamboyant performance. I'm definitely not the sort of person to strut into the centre of a room and greet friends and strangers alike with a shrill cry of "Eat it, bitches!" That persona, whether genuine, or merely a performance, just isn't me!

Secondly, I didn't especially like the look, although with time and practice, and learning new techniques, and a bit of costume, it could definitely be improved, and perhaps personalised--obviously the drag queens we see on television have spent years honing their appearance. From a personal point of view, I seem to have discovered that drag queen makeup stays put because there is just so damn much of it!

A little digital magic from FaceApp has let me polish up one of the pictures into something a bit nicer, but I don't think RuPaul is going to be beating down my door to get me to come on the show any time soon!

In Search of Beauty

Hallowe'en is a time of year when a lot of closeted cross-dressers feel safe to dress in public. It's acceptable to put on a face and a costume you wouldn't normally wear, and show yourself off. I've read quite a few descriptions of this online. It tends to be more marked in the US, where Hallowe'en is an enormously popular occasion, and where people seem to spend a lot more time and effort on the whole business than the rest of the world, though what I see is that, year on year, Hallowe'en is growing, everywhere.

One leg to rule them all...

So imagine my discomfort when I was invited to a very large and "authentic" Hallowe'en party last year. The party was hosted by a woman I work with. Unfortunately my partner couldn't attend, so it was up to me to go along, with the kids.

I very quickly dismissed the idea that I would go dressed as a woman. First, I'm not out to this woman. Second, I didn't know who else from work might be invited and show up. Third, the irony is not lost on me that Hallowe'en costumes are supposed to be a costume; as I've mentioned before, putting on a costume feels like pretending to be something I'm not, while getting dressed as a woman feels like becoming something I am (even if not every day). I definitely didn't want to do some sort of costume version of Vivienne; I couldn't imagine something less comfortable than turning up dressed as a pantomime dame. While if I dressed nicely, it could be a dead giveaway that this wasn't a once-in-a-year costume, but something I do much more frequently.

Mind you this Gandalf outfit, by Melbourne student Tjitske van Vark, might possibly work for this year. Gandalf the Pink, anyone?

But there was a further catch, which is that the hostess herself is extremely good at both makeup and costume. I've seen some of her work before, in pictures, and it's dazzling. So I knew she was going to set the bar very high, which in turn meant I didn't feel I could just cut two holes in a sheet, put it over my head, and call myself a ghost. In the end, I got a decent fantasy swordsman costume, and some decent props, and I didn't disgrace myself. But that's not what this post is about.

Lex Fleming from MadeYewLook

The hostess had indeed gone to great lengths. Her house was lavishly decorated, inside and out, with skulls and spiders and pumpkins and gravestones. But her own makeup was simply extraordinary; it was clearly professional-quality work. In addition, she had spent a lot of time getting her costume just right. It must have taken weeks of planning to put the whole thing together. While I am not going to include any photographs of the hostess herself, here is a comparable image of a young woman doing something similar, and let me say, the hostess was every bit as striking as this image here; not just her face, but also her costume.

Understandably there were a lot of photographs. The hostess took photos of all the guests; in groups, posed and unposed. And she was also in lots of photos, including photos of me. Standing beside her while those photos were taken made me feel uncomfortable, and I've been reflecting for some time on why this should be.

First, I am extremely conscious of beauty around me. When people talk about beauty privilege, I completely understand exactly what they mean. I cannot help paying attention to beautiful people, and it's almost always female beauty that I am talking about here. So when there is someone beautiful near me, and I want to just have a normal conversation (with someone else, about something else), I can sometimes find it difficult to concentrate unless I sit where I cannot be distracted by the view.

Has anyone got a pen I could borrow?

For me (at least) beauty doesn't necessarily have to be the sort of thing you would put on a magazine cover. There are a thousand things which women around me do which I think are beautiful. It can be as simple as a particular smile, a turn of phrase, or an endearing gesture (such as putting your pencil into your bun, which I think is gorgeous), while others might see nothing particularly special.

Second, beauty is something I really aspire to. Perhaps it's because I had a rough time at school (as a sensitive child I was commonly picked on), I tend to equate beauty with popularity, and I am envious of people who are beautiful.

This is something which I have really struggled with. As I've mentioned before on this blog, it's not enough to look feminine: I really want to look pretty. I don't think that the camera is anywhere near as flattering as the mirror, but I also think the camera comes a lot closer to showing me what other people see when they look at me. I love to take photos when I'm dressed, and I can feel very flat afterward when I look at the photos and don't feel great about what I see.

Meanwhile it's hard not to feel even more dejected when I look at the Internet and see what seem to be thousands of gorgeous images of trans women, and I think that, in a month of Sundays, I could never look that good. I know I am not alone in feeling this. Even Hannah McKnight (whom I admire for many reasons) has posted lately about feeling this way, and I've had conversations with some of my Facebook friends about it. Sometimes I think: why should I even bother? What would be the point?

The third thing which I really noticed about my Hallowe'en friend is that she wasn't just looking spectacular, she was also acting differently. She was definitely acting more flirty, more sexy, especially in front of the camera. She was owning it. She was doing beauty.

So there I was, feeling awkward and foolish in my own costume, seeing my friend completely owning the Hallowe'en femme fatale thing, and knowing I will never look remotely as good. That was a potent stew of emotions indeed. My costume was no disgrace, and I could have been strutting around and posing like Conan the Barbarian--but honestly I just wanted to get it over with and go home.

I know that these feelings are temporary; that there will be times when I feel fantastic--both pretty and feminine--again. I am also enough of a realist to recognise that probably everyone feels a bit like this, when they try to compare themselves to others. And of course the people on the Internet post their best photos--of course they do!-- and they don't show you their mascara malfunctions or their bad hair days or their photos taken at unflattering angles.

Mind you, it's interesting to consider: if I were an attractive man, would I be less bothered about trying to look pretty as a woman? Would I be able to get some of that beauty "fix" in my male persona? It's impossible to know. If Timberland decides to pick up my modelling contract again, perhaps I will be able to let you know.

Victoria and Treva Askey

Trevor Askey met Victoria in high school and they were sweethearts for a short time. Then they left school. Trevor joined the British Army, and served for 23 years. They each had other relationships. Nonetheless, they kept in touch throughout.

In 2006, Trevor told Victoria his lifelong secret: that he should have been a woman. Victoria was not only supportive, she performed his first makeover, and even proposed marriage. They married as Victoria and Trevor, but Trevor is now Treva (say it Tree-Vah), and is undergoing full transition with Victoria's full support.

Victoria and Treva

They were kind enough to take the time to answer my interview questions. Victoria sent their replies in colour, which is an elegant way to keep their answers distinct. I have adopted Victoria's colours in their replies which follow.

Tell me a bit about what you remember about each other from meeting in school. Did you have a relationship then? How old were you when you first met each other?

 

Victoria: I remember seeing Trevor ride past me on his push bike and I couldn't keep my eye off him. It was like I knew him and wanted to seriously get to know this person. He was seen as a school bully because he wouldn't allow anyone to get close, including friends, but that wasn't going to put me off. I was nicknamed "Trevor's little stalker". It was in 1986 and I was 13. He was my first serious crush; I even remember being in my maths class and staring at him running in PE. He was a runner for the school and he was so gorgeous, I was totally smitten. We dated for about 4 weeks and I think I got too close so he finished it. I was devastated.

 

Treva: I was 15 and two years above Victoria. I remember her watching me all the time and various school mates telling me she liked me. I remember my first line to her was "your parka is not as good as mine", as I had an old M65 US-Army fishtail parka and she had one of those blue parkas with the orange inside.

I remember those parkas! I had a green one with the orange inside. Is it true you wouldn't let anyone get close to you in school? Can you explain why?

 

Treva: Yes it is true, I was unsure of what I was going through or what I was feeling and I didn't want anyone else to see who I really was, because they may have seen something I didn't want them to see.

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier: Trevor

What made you choose a career in the Army? Were you thinking of any other career?

 

Treva: I chose a career in the Army because being confused I didn't know what to do, so as I lived in a rural area I had little else to choose but the Army. On top of this I thought that going into the Army and choosing a masculine career (Engineer) would make me into a man. As for another career, there really wasn't anything else I could choose due to my location and the lack of opportunities available.

Did you join the Army knowing you had a feminine side, and expecting (or hoping) the Army to knock it out of you?

 

Treva: No. I joined the Army unsure of what I was going through. I just joined the Army to do the man thing, and with living in a rural area there was no other option in the job front. And on top of that I wanted to prove people wrong: various teachers had told me that I wouldn't be able to do it because of my disruptive nature.

 

What was it like serving as a soldier knowing there was a woman trapped inside you?

 

Treva: It was frustrating, difficult. I used my chosen career to keep my mind off things, keeping myself occupied to keep my mind off everything else.

You left the Army before announcing your transition. Did it ever cross your mind to consider remaining? Lieutenant Colonel Cate McGregor has remained in the Australian army and transitioned, with the support of her commanding officer.

 

Treva: No. I am a stubborn old fool, I signed on the dotted line as Trevor so I was going to complete my time as Trevor.

In civvies

How many other members of the armed forces do you think are affected by gender dysphoria?

 

Treva: I know of a few others that have gone through transition whilst still being in the forces.

You say your Army mates have been supportive. Does this differ from what seems to be a very homophobic and transphobic environment in the military?

Treva: As for the homophobic or transphobic, I personally believe that's more of a sheep following: one person says something negative, then the others follow. But some do stand up and won't follow and are accepting.

I have written about Jan Hamilton. To what extent do you think your story parallels hers? Is there anything you would say that is different between you?

 

Treva: We are two totally different people. Every trans story has some similarities, but are any two the same? And I was a Royal Engineer, not a Para.

What advice would you give to someone in the armed forces struggling with their gender identity?

 

Treva: There is a lot more in place within the forces now to assist you through your transition. Yeah, you may get a bit of hassle, but you have to be strong no matter what, to get through Transition. Don't wait and try later in life, say something and go for it.

I understand the British Army now allows serving soldiers to transition and remain in the Army. Is this right? Or am I misunderstanding?

 

Treva: No, that is correct. There was a lass at my last unit that was going through transition. They now help in any way that they can.

What are you doing for a living now?

 

Treva: I am retarded-- I mean retired! (laughs) But if you wanted to put a job title to my name, I would be the house wife. I look after my step kids, with packed lunches, take them to school, push them with homework, do all the cooking as my wife hates cooking, make sure my youngest step son has all his medication as he has health problems. Vicky spends most of her time typing for various book projects.

The press reports that you are taking hormones you have bought off the Internet. Please tell me this isn't true!

 

Treva: This is no longer true. I was getting my meds off the internet after months of research and seeing reports from a private GID [Gender Identity Disorder] doctor. I started self medicating on a very low dose and gradually worked my way up to a higher dose. But I wouldn't recommend this. After deciding to tell my GP and getting referred to a GIC [Gender Identity Clinic] I was then asked to stop my blockers, this was to get my hormone levels as close to my before-medication levels. This then shocked my system, making me lose weight, lose hair and lose all the other bits you get on hormones. After a few months on the NHS [National Health Service] I am finally getting the hormones on an even keel, I think!

Accepting: Victoria

Victoria, there was clearly a lifelong friendship (chemistry?) between you and Trevor. Looking back, did you see any hints of Trevor's gender dysphoria?

 

Victoria: I didn't see any hints as such, but when I looked into his eyes I thought there was a sadness I couldn't put my finger on. Every time I met up, I would ask what it was that he was keeping from me. At one point I was sent a random email from Trevor that had details of a Trans website. I was going to ask him outright but chickened out-- I mean how on earth do I ask someone that's a manly soldier if he is trans? We then lost contact for a little time.

How did Trevor first tell you about wanting to transition? What were your feelings at that time?

 

Victoria: We were emailing each other, something we did every now and then, touching base and seeing how each of us was doing. He said that he wanted to tell me something, so whilst on MSN instant messaging each other, about 2006-7 he just told me straight out. I can't remember exactly what was said and I didn't save the messages but it was along the lines of "I should have been a woman".

I cried like a baby, not because I was gutted that he was going to at some point be a she, but he could have told me years ago. I was at the time training to be a psychologist and wanted to help those who felt this way, I also worked for a photographic company that made people over to bring out their feminine side, and Trevor knew this but still didn't say anything.

Then it hit me that my sweetheart was suffering, and I desperately wanted to hold Trevor and tell him I will be there for him through this. I realised that this explained so much about how he was during his teenage years, why he always looked sad. I felt like I needed to be with Trevor even more from that point on.

You say you worked for a company doing trans makeovers. Can you tell me a bit more about that?

 

Victoria: It wasn't a company that just did trans makeovers, it was a photographic studio that was willing to do trans makeovers, so we had a few customers but not many as we didn't advertise this. The first makeover I did, it took the customer two attempts to go through with the full makeover and then they became very emotional when shown the end result. I think, along with my psychotherapy, that this has given me the opportunity to not fear what Treva is going through, but to empathise and want to understand more.

How did you first get introduced to Treva? How did you feel?

 

Victoria: Well Treva wasn't Treva to begin with: she was Clare, and I made her over. I really wanted to do this and it was an amazing moment. I was so nervous and so was Treva, mainly because I wanted her to feel special and she was showing me this side to her that she had never shown to another soul. She had never told anyone. I felt privileged. That same night I asked her to marry me with a big blue diamond ring. She said yes (smiles).  

Treva, being made up by the woman you love and then being proposed to must be close to heaven for some of us. Can you tell us a bit about your feelings at that point?

 

Treva: I was just full of nerves. Nobody had seen me dressed, never mind making me over. And when Victoria proposed I was overcome with joy and happiness and every other happy emotion that you could think of.

Victoria, you say you proposed to Treva. What made you take this decision? Didn't you think that marrying a trans person might create a heap of problems?

 

Victoria: Treva asked me to marry her in 1993, but due to other fears I said no. She told me that she would not ask me again and it was my turn to ask her. Many years later, she tells me about who she truly is and I didn't want to run a mile, I just wanted to be close to her so she wasn't alone. I had to wait years again to get any chance of asking her to marry me. As far as I am concerned, I love the person, and if Treva was born trans then so be it. I often wonder why a person wouldn't still love someone just because they are born this way. I don't totally understand why anyone would run a mile. I am not saying it isn't full of difficult situations but it has made us both very open and close to each other, a lot more so than most marriages.

 

Was getting used to the idea of Treva a quick thing, or did it take you a while to come around?
 

Victoria: Her transition has been so gradual that I don't feel like I had to get used to anything. We spoke about what she wanted at length before we moved in together, so there was no real "getting used to". For me it was more like getting used to living with a woman, having never had to live with a woman before and being a bit of a tomboy myself, I do get a little annoyed with her beautifying herself. But then I look at her and want to thank her for allowing me to be part of her life, she is so beautiful.

Treva

Is Treva a different person from Trevor?

Victoria: Hell yes! She is totally different, because Trevor acted the big man and yet she is shy and reserved and sweet. Trevor is more football and scooters (1960's Lambretta scooters) and Treva still likes her football and scooters but just a milder version. It's difficult to explain really.

Question to both of you. You got married as a man and a woman. Did you contemplate getting married while both wearing dresses?

 

Victoria: I wanted her to but no one knew about her.

 

Treva: We even thought about doing it as a joke (according to others) but we decided not to in the end. Victoria is currently pestering me to marry her again and I have to wear a "heavy, can't breathe, need at least two people to take me to the loo", full-on dress. I am trying to convince her otherwise.

 

Victoria: She will wear a wedding dress. I am a very determined person.

Victoria, tell me about your book.

 

Victoria: I wrote a book about what it has been like so far living with Treva as she transitions. It's my diary. You can find it on Amazon, in either paperback or for the Kindle. It's called Too Deep.

I also have a website. You can find a link to my book via my website. I currently have a survey on my website that I am looking for people who are going through and have been through Transition to fill in for me. It's about 18 questions long and I need as many different accounts as possible.

I am currently writing my next two books. One is Too Deep Two; this is the next part as we enter the NHS, and the other is a book about other people's experiences. I have found that trawling through the internet when Treva was first starting her transition, there was no single place for honest accounts of other experiences, and we had read so much negative stuff it was depressing. I would like to show people that it's not all bad; doom and gloom.

I also have two children's books: My Special Step-mum Angelina, about a step-daddy who becomes step-mummy, and My Two Daddies, about a young boy adopted by a same-sex couple. I will be writing more children's books in the future.

What's the most difficult thing about having a transgender husband?

 

Victoria: The lack of testosterone causes a lack of libido. I find her so attractive and that's difficult. Having to think about what we are doing, who we will see and were we are going, and having to look for suitable toilets. And not being able to be spontaneous, due to the fact she still has to shave (we can't afford electrolysis and laser doesn't work on blond hair), we have to make sure her hair is good, etc. etc. Some days I do wish it was all done and we didn't have to think this way.

What's the best thing about having a transgender husband?

 

Victoria: Although it's bad for our purse, I do enjoy clothes shopping. At the moment it's getting a little difficult seeing the good things but hopefully it will get easier-- then perhaps I could answer this question a little better.

"It's getting a little difficult seeing the good things". What do you mean by that?

Victoria: It's not that Treva and I are unhappy together. It's more the fact that we have to go through so much. I hate the fact that she has to go through years of "real life experience" just to get to the point of surgery referral; getting hormones wrong and things going pear shaped because of this; the fear of going to new places; the wondering which toilets she can use without causing problems.

I mean, use the men's and get beaten up, use the women's and get some female complaining, use the disabled and get someone complaining, and this can all be in front of my children. Some people don't seem to think before reacting. I hate the fact we are stared at. What happens if we go some place and she needs to use the toilet but there is no option to her? Then we have to come home just so she can pee.

We have to think about whether we can stay out before facial hair starts showing through. We have to think about how the children are at school: are they being picked on? Does anyone make comments to them at school? Are they happy? We have few friends and worry about what other parents say to their children if asked about Treva.

Then Treva is so down about how she looks and that is difficult to watch. It does take some strength to stay positive. It is by no means easy and you have to have a very strong and open relationship. You have to be able to talk to each other. I must admit I find it difficult to talk to Treva about how I am feeling because I keep thinking that it's nothing in comparison to how she must be feeling. Treva tells me off for this. But, after all that we are both close, we hold on to each other through each step and hoop-jump Treva has to do, and we always tell each other how much we love each other every single day. So, given time, it will get better-- I hope.

We both have our fears of the future but we try not to dwell on that as we don't know what's around the corner. At the moment we are struggling a little due to hormones not being right, but we take each day as it comes. And yes: everything Treva goes through is referred to as a "we" thing.    
 

What advice would you give to another woman who finds out her husband has a feminine side?

 

Victoria: To take into account that it's taken a lot for your husband to have told you this. There could be various reasons he didn't tell you, from not wanting to admit it himself to the fear of losing everything.

Telling someone you love is difficult. Take a deep breath and listen to your husband; and talk: don't blame and don't shout. Don't reply with anger. I get that it can be difficult to understand why your husband hasn't told you before, but please listen first before making any decisions, and don't be swayed by any negativity, You may find that you will become far closer than you could have ever imagined if you talk. And if you decide that you love your husband enough to stay, then hold on: it's gonna be one hell of a rollercoaster ride. You will cry, you will grieve, but to see the happiness can be equally overwhelming.

Question to both of you. What famous person would you most like to meet, and why?

 

Victoria: Angelina Jolie, because she has done exactly what I would do if I had her money: I would adopt. I find her fascinating and she comes across like a person you could really sit down and have a chat to. Either that or Tom Hanks, so I can tell him that he is the single best actor ever to grace this planet.

Dishy: Gino D'Acampo

 

Treva: Gino D'Acampo. Not sure you know who he is! He is an Italian chef and I would love to have cooking lessons with him.

===

This has been one of my longer interviews, but I thought it was worth including all of Victoria's and Treva's replies because I thought they were interesting and revealing.

There are two things about this couple which are especially worthy of interest. First, Victoria is a woman who not only accepted Treva's transition, she completely embraced it. This is no everyday occurrence. It seems to me that Victoria's acceptance of Treva was immediate and complete: no period of hesitation, of negotiating boundaries, of coming to terms with it. Nonetheless, by her own admission, it hasn't been easy by any means, and Victoria has faced (indeed, they both continue to face) some very difficult situations in their daily lives.

But Treva is fortunate indeed: few relationships seem to survive transition unscathed, and finding someone special post-transition seems to be a difficult road for many. This, at least, is one obstacle Treva doesn't have to face.

Second, Treva survived two decades in the Army, an environment which has a reputation for being profoundly transphobic and homophobic. Jan Hamilton spoke of joining the Army as a means to "prove" her masculinity. I think there are quite a lot of transgender people in careers such as the military, the police, and other "masculine" professions, and I think the reason for this is that some, at least, deliberately sign up for those careers in the hope that it will "make a man out of them".

For Treva, this seems not to be the case. From this interview, it seems Trevor was a troubled youth, and was seen to be such by his peers and teachers. I wonder if this was because Trevor knew at that age he felt he carried a secret he could not bear to share with others. In any case, it seems that Trevor joined the Army because he felt he had few other options open.

I do wonder about the armed forces. There has been a spate of transgender soldiers telling their stories lately: Jan Hamilton, Cate McGregor, Kristin Beck (and I am aware of some transgender stories from much older people who served in conflicts long finished). I suspect that this is the small tip of a very large iceberg, and I wonder both about how many military people are already transgender, and what the armed forces (of any country) would do if they all came out at once! I have collected material for another blog post about this topic.

Meanwhile, my thanks to Victoria and Treva for their patience with my questions, and for providing photographs from their personal collection to illustrate this blog post. Victoria promises to let me know if they renew their vows in wedding dresses. I close with a reminder to check out Victoria's book or to read her blog.

For my exclusive interview with Jan Hamilton, now Abigail Austen, click here.
 

Alex Reid

Imagine you are a crossdresser. You meet and then marry a woman who is gorgeous, sexy, glamorous and adventurous. You reveal your secret to her, and she is thrilled: not only does she dress you, but she celebrates your fem side and enjoys making love to you dressed. How does that make you feel?

Masculine: Reid

Alex Reid is not short of masculinity. Handsome and chiselled, he is a mixed martial artist and cage fighter (though, seemingly, not a very good one). He has also been a bit-part actor. He shot to fame in the UK when he found himself dating a woman called Katie Price, whose stage name is "Jordan", in 2009. Here he is as he would like you to think of him. His Wikipedia article contains a single line about his crossdressing, and his personal website, nothing at all (unsurprisingly).

Price is a former topless model, whose career has included modelling, fashion and beauty, television and media, and writing books about herself.

Price is no airhead with big boobies. She is shrewd, ruthless and successful, having negotiated the treacherous waters of media celebrity for many years. According to Wikipedia, she is now worth over 40 million pounds.

Feminine: Jordan

At the time they got together, Price was splitting up from her former husband, singer Peter Andre. Andre released the single Mysterious Girl in 1996, and wowed teen audiences with his famous "washboard stomach", before disappearing without trace, until he was washed up on the celebrity career resurrection show I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here! in the UK, in 2004. Down in that jungle, amid the bugs, the bush tucker, and the humiliation, love blossomed between Price and Andre.

After the show finished, they not only married, but became reality TV sensations, starting a whole franchise of programmes about their personal lives. We learned, at least at first, that Andre seemed actually to be quite a nice bloke. In any case, it relaunched his career very successfully. In a breathless moment of schmaltz, Price and Andre even released their own cover version of A Whole New World, the love song between Aladdin and Princess Jasmine. They had two children together, whose names they seemingly chose by picking letters at random from the Scrabble bag.

When the relationship came (inevitably) crashing down, the whole country was in on every detail of the separation. Depending where your sympathies lay, one could buy T-shirts, with "Team Peter" or "Team Katie" on them, to show the world whose side you were on. In other words, all eyes were on Katie Price, and who her next swain was going to be. Practically nobody had ever heard of Alex Reid, but suddenly he was being photographed on red carpets next to Price, and setting gossip columnists a-flutter.

Roxanne: seriously?

It didn't take long for things to hot up. Reports began to emerge that Alex Reid was a transvestite, whose secret alter-ego was "Roxanne". But all was not lost. Not only was Price untroubled, she seemed positively to relish having a transvestite for a boyfriend.

Contact Music: Katie Price has vowed to stand by boyfriend Alex Reid, despite revelations he is a cross-dresser. The glamour model insists she has no plans to dump the cage fighter over his feminine alter-ego 'Roxanne' and says they are very happy. She said: "We're very much together."

It was at this point that I started to take an interest. Initially upset that he had been outed, Reid seemed to calm down, when Price allowed him access to her enormous collection of clothing, cosmetics, wigs and other feminine accoutrements. She described it enthusiastically here on the Graham Norton Show:

Price: When he told me, I'm like, Oh my God, I gotta dress you up. In my dressing room I got wigs, eyelashes, everything. I went: you are perfect, you're my girl, so please let me do you up, please let me do you up. And he's like, hang on a minute, this is a bit weird, I'm not used to a girl saying "let me do you up", 'cause normally it's a private thing he does. But I'm well into it, it doesn't bother me.

Awww.... matching outfits!

Price is not simply feminine: she is uber-feminine. Everything is just a little more: the eyes, the boobs, the teeth, the tan, the hair, the lashes, the lips. This is all a carefully cultivated image, and the whole package, for me, teeters on the very brink of attractiveness, just above the cliff of grotesque. In addition, she is confident, powerful, and used to discussing her personal life in public.

Norton: Have you had sex with Roxanne?
Price: Of course! Call me strange, call me weird, whatever.
Norton: So when you're with Roxanne, are you... two women, or are you sometimes the man?
Price: I boss him about. He becomes quieter.
Guest: Can I ask, is there a bit of leather involved, and a whip?
Price: Honestly, you name it, he's been there, done it. Honestly, anything goes with him. I'm having such a fun time.

Faced with this level of approval, it was only a matter of time before we saw Roxanne publicly, and here they are, Jordan and Roxanne, in matching gold outfits, at the launch of one of Price's several autobiographies, in 2009. Price was reported to have ordered designer dresses to be specially made in Reid's size.

Getting his Rox off: Reid

So let's just pause here for a moment. What's going through Alex's mind? First, he is married to a woman who is considered to be one of the most desirable in the country, to say nothing of wealthy. Second, he seems to have entered transvestite nirvana: not only does Price accept his transvestism, she embraces it enthusiastically, and provides him with a level of access to feminine accoutrements which must be almost unparalleled. Third, Reid has gone from being a relatively unknown person to being one of the most famous faces in the country. This interview with the Guardian seems to get a very clear picture of him, without even mentioning crossdressing.

It seems quite understandable to me that all of this would be a bit of a shock; something quite difficult to deal with. And unfortunately, Reid just wasn't equipped to handle Price and her ruthless career machine. He was, unfortunately, merely a pawn.

It wasn't long before cracks started to show. Tabloids spoke of Price's disappointment that Reid was unwilling or unable to have a baby with her. There were reports of him having sex with other men as Roxanne, and the relationship shattered apart after barely one year.

It won't surprise you in the least that Price has continued to manipulate the media in her own interests. Price wrote it all down in a book, Love, Lipstick and Lies, published in 2011, excerpts from which made it into the popular press. Sex with cross-dressing Alex Reid was obscene, depraved and left me frightened, roared the Mirror.

Price: Think of the most disturbing porn you could imagine, and times that by ten. Only then are you getting close to what I witnessed and what Alex wanted me to join in with. I’ve tried a few things in my time, but I’d never before f***** a man dressed up as a woman who happened to be my husband. I felt as if I was crossing a line, going to a dark place where there were no boundaries, where there was no normal.

I just hope the poor girl can somehow get over it and just get on with her life.

Reid all about it!

I feel extremely sympathetic to Alex Reid. He is, without doubt, an autogynephilic transvestite. He wants what we all want; to dress freely, to enjoy it, and to have fun. At first, it must have been breathtaking, being dressed by Katie Price and having her order designer gowns in his size. And yet, we all look in the mirror and feel we are not as beautiful on the outside as we feel on the inside. How much more cruel is that comparison, when the face beside you is that of Katie Price?

And what about the effect on his sense of self, his manhood, when the press were calling him "Mr Katie Price" and he was known for nothing other than being her plus one? That must be pretty hard to handle. And what about those outfits? They were (almost certainly) chosen by Price for maximum impact; he would probably have looked very strange in almost any feminine garb, but careful wardrobe and cosmetics can be amazing. On the other hand, these two outfits, in which he was pictured publicly, are just dreadful. No wonder that, in every picture I've seen, he looks ill-at-ease. Partly that's because he wasn't dressed as Roxanne, he was dressed as Jordan, which is something that few women (and far fewer men) can actually pull off.

In another universe, the public acceptance of Jordan's transvestite husband would simply be mandated by her celebrity. There would be no arguing against it. Left a little longer, and it would have been downright cool. I can see young male wannabees shaving their legs and squeezing into those skimpy outfits to impress their girls. I had genuinely hoped these events would be a step towards public acceptance of crossdressing. But not in this universe.

And what do you do, when you open yourself up to someone you love about crossdressing, and they hurt you deeply? You purge, and you purge good.

Digital Spy: The cage fighter has apparently vowed never to dress up as Roxanne again after suffering emotional abuse when Price revealed his secret to others and made him dress in drag publicly for her book launch in 2009. According to The Sun, Reid told a friend: "Roxanne is dead and it was Katie who heartlessly exposed her. She murdered her. She is evil and she will pay."

I think this particular choice of language, with violent metaphors, points to deep emotional suffering. I do not doubt Reid never wants to dress again, but I do not doubt that he eventually will.

 

Katie Price is currently in another marriage, but will probably get divorced in the next month or so if she plays to form. Reid had a daughter with another glamour model, Chantelle Houghton, but the word on the street is that they have separated too.

Meanwhile, Reid is back pretending to be a real man's man once again-- but for how long?

Tracie's Story

This is something I had heard about at least a couple of years ago, when the story came out that Sean Bean, a British actor traditionally known for playing hard men and villains, was cast to play the part of a transvestite in an upcoming drama. (I wonder if they auditioned Vinnie Jones for the role?) You might know Bean from Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, or even James Bond. So naturally I couldn't wait to see it. However, down here in the bottom right hand corner of the map it's just been screened for the first time on terrestrial TV.

The drama in question is part of a UK serial, Accused, created for the BBC by screenwriter Jimmy McGovern. More specifically, it is the first episode of season 2. I haven't seen any of the other episodes, but I was so taken with the subtlety and brilliance of this one that I will be sure to take a look.

Sean Bean as Tracie

Let me say right up front that I think this is one of the best pieces of television featuring a crossdressing character that I have ever seen. It is clever, fresh, compelling and sympathetic. The dialogue sizzles (every one of Tracie's one-liners is a gem), and the characters are rounded and complex. It tackles all the issues you would expect, head on, but in ways you wouldn't expect. I am not going to spoil it for you, because I think it's just too good, but there are some points which are worthy of comment.

Tony: You get that a lot, do you? Aggro?
Tracie: Unfortunately.
Tony: So why do it?
Tracie: Because it's who I am, darlin'!

We join the action as Bean's character, Tracie Tremarco, gets all dolled up for a night on the town (Manchester), in what I wincingly regard as over-the-top drag: the long blonde hair, the short skirt, the sparkly dress, the long nails. But then we see Tracie expertly (if a little wearily) deflect the critical and mocking abuse she gets from the taxi driver and from some drunken lads in the pub. Later she picks up an apparently straight man, Tony (Stephen Graham), and they go back to Tracie's flat where they have sex.

Tony: What do you do for a living?
Tracie: Nothing, doll. Tracie's a good time girl.
Tony: So who pays for this place?
Tracie: Simon, love. The most boring man in the world.

A crossdressing academic, you say? Whatever next?

By day, Tracie is Simon, a bored and lonely English teacher, plodding through his lacklustre life, trying to interest his disengaged students in poetry. The writer makes a reasonable effort to weave the poetry into the narrative, particularly the Lady of Shalott, Tennyson's romantic ballad of a lonely and beautiful lady who looks out of her tower window and falls in love with "bold Sir Lancelot".

Tracie is surprised and delighted when Tony turns up at her flat unexpectedly, and the two embark on a relationship, somewhat hesitantly at first. Gradually, Tracie begins to fall in love with Tony, and wants him to take her out:

Tony: I haven't got the balls to be seen out with you. But shall I tell you why? It's because you make no bleedin' effort to look like a woman. A real woman!
Tracie: I never claimed to be Cheryl bloody Cole!
Tony: I never expected you to turn into Cheryl Cole. But you're going to have to do a lot better than Old King fucking Cole if you want to be seen out in public with me. So just have a go. Eh?
Tracie: What, and you'll take me out?

As the relationship deepens, Simon gradually rediscovers his zest for life. His students look up in surprise as he reads the poetry with fire and passion. Later there is a powerful scene where Simon, walking along the street, sees Tony coming the other way, and realises Tony does not recognise him. Simon's distress is played out perfectly by Bean, without a word of dialogue being spoken.

Did anyone ever tell you you look a bit like Cheryl Cole?

Later still, Tracie visits a shopping mall for a makeover. A beautiful young woman leans in close to apply the makeup, and we follow Tracie's eyes looking at each feature of this young woman: her pearl earring, her eyes, her lips, her figure. Though we, the audience, know what's really going on in Tracie's mind, the expression on her face mirrors a recurring feeling I have often had when I compare myself to real women: how could I ever possibly hope to look half as good as that?

The theme of the series Accused is legal drama. In each episode, there is a different lead character, and we see scenes from their life as they become involved in something illegal, interspersed with tense courtroom scenes. So I am not letting any cats out of any bags by letting it slip that Bean's character ends up in court. But here is where my revelations end: if you want more, you will need to see it for yourself! It seems to be available on YouTube here. Trust me, though. You won't see all the subtlety on a single viewing.

Reviews have been extremely favourable. The Huffington Post said "Bean has rarely been better, showing a vulnerability and complexity many miles away from his usual tough-man". Metro said the show "could have played out like a cliché but thanks to a gritty, chip-on-the-shoulderpad turn from Bean, matched every uneasy flirt of the way by Stephen Graham as the tightly wound Tony, these characters worked their way under the skin. It was a little heavy on the melodrama but these emotional wounds were palpable".

Bean's performance is a triumph, especially given his background playing hard men and villains. The British tabloid press breathlessly reported that Bean had gone out dressed as a woman to research the role, as if this was somehow a surprise. However, the broadsheet press was a little more enlightened in its reporting. The Independent interviewed Bean and quoted him:

Bean: I got pretty good at [walking in high heels], walking on cobblestones and all sorts. I had a full body wax, the high heels, short skirts, bras – everything – it was proper full-on. I became totally absorbed: it was wonderful being involved in it, I just didn't want to leave it, the character. I became very close to Tracie. It's a brilliant script: very moving, very dark humour.
Who would have thought I'd have been dressing up as a woman and embracing that? It just came out of the blue and it was one of the most enjoyable things I've ever done, one of the things I'm most proud of. I just think I could never have invented that.

I congratulate Bean on his courage taking on this role, and for his ability to bring it to life. He manages to avoid the obvious farcical elements and provides us with a character which is portrayed sensitively and with subtlety, but with moments of wry comedy nonetheless. His performance won him the title of Best Actor at the Royal Television Society Awards.

I mean, do I look like a man in a dress?

So finally, what do I think? First, this programme is seriously bleak. Manchester is dull and grey and hostile. The only places which have light, colour and warmth seem (perhaps deliberately) to feature cosmetics, clothing, or transvestites. The character of Simon-Tracie is sordid and pathetic: a transvestite who looks ridiculous and brings home a series of men for sex. In a very real sense, Tracie had to look grotesque: we, the audience, just wouldn't have bought it if they had cast a pretty man (or a less accomplished actor) in the part. It speaks tremendously of the production team that they were able to bring this off and make us sympathise with the characters.

Second, there are aspects to the character of Tracie which don't quite sit comfortably with me, though it is plain that the writer has tried extremely hard to do his homework on the subject (hitting several nails squarely on the head with powerful lines about married men who are "curious" about transvestites). There is an odd separation between Simon and Tracie: each talks of the other in the third person, as if they were separate people. For some crossdressers, this might indeed be how they compartmentalise their lives; for me, I know it isn't.

Thirdly, Simon dresses as Tracie because he is a gay man.

Tracie: Young Simon... realised he had to tell his parents he was gay, or kill himself. So he decided having a dead son was slightly worse than having a gay one, so that's why he told them.

One of the main themes of this blog is that crossdressers are not gay, and there is plenty of justification for this view. On the other hand, I have a DVD of a 2002 documentary filmed in Manchester's gay community called The Queen's Wedding. The crew interviews several gay crossdressers, some very attractive, and some very unattractive, and the documentary culminates in the wedding of two men, one of whom wears a bridal dress for the occasion. In any case, a theme of that documentary is that some gay men do crossdress for the purposes of amusement and sex. So Tracie certainly seems to fit into that mould.

Finally, by bringing the character of Tracie to a mainstream audience, the writers are belting out a powerful and welcome message: you might find them repellent, but transvestites are human beings too.