About me

This above all: to thine own self be true. - Shakespeare
Call me Vivienne.

I'm forty-something years old. I'm a heterosexual male crossdresser, peeping out of the closet. I'm also an academic, with a strong science background (but I read widely in all sorts of things), and I work in a large institution. I have kids, and I live in the suburbs, where my life is pretty ordinary.

Anima: Vivienne
The urge to crossdress has been with me my whole life, and it's been very difficult for me to come to terms with it. But it's extremely difficult to find someone who wants to have a sensible conversation about it.

So foremost, this blog is about me making some sense of crossdressing. It's about resolving the dichotomy between the intellectual part of me, which recognises that crossdressing is (let's face it) a bit weird, and the emotional part of me, which loves the sensual pleasures of soft fabrics, perfumes and cosmetics.

Secondly, it's a way for me to explore the issues around crossdressing in a scholarly way. I've read a lot about crossdressing as a form of expression, and I am not sure I wholly agree with all of it. I hope to include some points for discussion in this blog. The third purpose of this blog is to open a conversation: for me the most painful thing about being a closeted crossdresser is not being unable to do it, it's being unable to talk about it.

You won't find fantasy or erotica on this blog. Equally, you won't find criticism or opprobrium, whatever your perspective. Each of us is doing what we need to get by. What you will find is my own opinions and insights, and I hope these will be delivered with honesty and openness. I hope you will feel welcome to add your own! This blog is a work in progress; Vivienne's journey continues, which means that some of the things I have previously written about are no longer quite applicable. Rather than edit the past, I think it's reasonable to leave those articles untouched, as a record of where I have come from.

I chose the word "Bluestocking" to refer to an intellectual or academic woman. See this post for more about Bluestockings in general and this title in particular.

2012 was an astonishing year of discovery for me. I put down all of my findings and discoveries about crossdressing in a single blog post. I suppose it's my personal FAQs. If you want to know where I am with respect to crossdressing, and its place in my life, start here, (though it's already a little out of date) and for my top 10 posts by their hit count, go here.

2015 was the year I started to tell my close friends and family about Vivienne, and so far their reaction has been amazingly positive and supportive. To everyone: I cannot express how much your acceptance means to me, and I love you all.

2016 was the year I made it out, in public, in daylight, for the first time as Vivienne. I don't know exactly what the future will hold, but I am reasonably certain that when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple. I might even end up looking like one of my heroines, the incomparable Dr. Evadne Hinge. But 2016 was also the year my marriage finally ended, after years of trouble, and you can find my discussion of that here.

If you want to send me email, you can do so at vivienne_marcus@yahoo.co.uk , or you can find me on Facebook.







The material in this blog is my own work (except where attributed). You are not free to copy or circulate my work, unless you explicitly attribute the work to me and include a link to this website.

29 comments:

  1. hi vivienne from your photo you are quite passable.
    as i mentioned in your post on kim h's site the hardest thing sometimes is just getting out of the car. i now keep a classly dressed photo of me when ever i feel the need to explain about " my other self diana"
    feel free to contact me as i can put you in touch with a gal from christ church who is out and about and nikki z is very classy and passable. http://www.flickr.com/photos/43532590@N00/
    your blog looks great. very informative.

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    1. Hi Diana,

      Many thanks for dropping by and posting your kind comments. On a dark and stormy night when everyone is indoors, you're quite right: I am quite passable! But in daylight? Not so sure.

      I had a look at your Flickr pictures, and I would be very interested to be in touch with you. Unfortunately I am not registered with Flickr. I have edited the post above to include my email address. I haven't previously done this, as I feared a load of spam turning up. Do please drop me a line.

      Best wishes,

      Vivienne.

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  2. Thanks for contacting me. Looks like I could learn a lot from your blog!

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    1. Many thanks for dropping in Georgia! Ditto!

      Vivienne.

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  3. Cool blog, but have to ask why no mention of Rachel Louise, Emma B's best friend?

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    1. It's nothing personal! I just blog about subjects and people who catch my eye.

      Vivienne.

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  4. Yhyh that's cool, you write about who inspires you and you're a big fan of Emma - who isn't right? Just rachel was the first trans I came across on utube and I guess that touched me in some way. Enjoyed your blog.

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  5. I just have to agree with you Vivienne; why are womens clothes much silkier, softer and sensual than men's. I wear a skirt, stockings (never tights) always with a suspender belt. The silkiness of the garment, and the rub of the suspender straps on my thighs and bottom, I could go on. Sometimes I do have the urge to wear a bra and if I do wear it out, usually under a white blouse.
    It is just more sensual, I am now totally converted, and only wear trousers when needed for protocol or it is incredibly cold!

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    1. Hi, and thanks for posting. Your perspective is welcome, but I wonder if you would leave some sort of name, so that you can be distinguished from other anonymous posters?

      Vivienne.

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    2. Hi Vivienne,

      I just wanted to take a moment and thank you for your insightful and well written blog. I really find your perspectives interesting. They actually tend to be similar to my own perspectives. I am a social crossdresser, meaning that I like to crossdress publicly. It is an important aspect of my overall crossdressing experience. And even though I don't necessarily "pass," I think I "present" very well. Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for the great information and I encourage you to keep posting.

      Hugs,

      Sally

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    3. Hi Sally,

      Many thanks for posting your delightful comments. I have a list of future topics a mile long, but as usual, family and work commitments mean I don't have as much time to post as I would like. Still, I am hopeful that I will something interesting to say soon!

      I hope you have a wonderful 2014.

      Kind regards,

      Vivienne.

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  6. Vivienne,
    I really enjoy your blog. it really made me think why. I accepted myself many years ago and I've never looked back but your blog has made me think and question who I am and why I am. I feel even more in tune with myself after absorbing your insightful thoughts. Being two genders has allowed me more insight into the human condition. It has empowered my self confidence and provided me with a positive outlook. For me being a tranny is a gift that I have embraced. By the way I think you look great and passible.
    Jamie

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    1. Hi Jamie,

      Thanks for your lovely comments. I am still on a journey, but I have been really helped by the many lovely people I have met along the way.

      Have a wonderful 2014.

      Vivienne.

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  7. Thanks Vivienne. Nail Dertli

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  8. Finally, another academic! Makes me a little weepy. Love, love your blog. I've stepped away from crossdressing for the sake of marriage, etc., and it's a sacrifice I'm happy to make. But it is still something I think about often. Hope to be in touch.

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    1. Hi Kaley,

      Drop me an email. I would love to hear from you. I am sure we would have much in common!

      Vivienne.

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  9. Interesting blog. I'm amazed at how many intellectual people have this issue.
    Also surprised your web page is the same provider as mine

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    1. Hi Rachel,

      I am very envious of how open and comfortable you are with your lifestyle. I look forward to meeting you in person some day.

      Vivienne.

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  10. Sorry I don`t have one of the accounts needed to post as me.

    I love the blog Viv. I found it after my wife told me about the story of Treva and Victoria.

    I have only been open about myself since 1 week, after my wife of 23years outed me. I am so sorry that you can`t talk to yours.

    I look forward to reading more,
    All my love babe.
    Victoria

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    1. Hi Victoria,

      I am delighted that you like the blog. I would be interested to hear a bit more about your story: your wife outed you?

      Best wishes,

      Vivienne.

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  11. Hi, I just had a chance to read your blog and really enjoyed it. I look forward to delving deeper into your posts.

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    1. Hi Gerri,

      Thanks for your dropping by to post your lovely comments.

      Vivienne.

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  12. Vivienne you and I are very much on the same wavelength in that we want to take a more forensic look at our behaviour and try and understand it. I also have been crossdressing since very very young and had no success eliminating it. I now have fully accepted that this is a part of me and consider myself to be more towards the transsexual part of the spectrum. I think this is something one is born with and learns to deal with.

    I have been out of the closet for many many years now and am very comfortable in public. I don't worry about passing as much as about being myself and being comfortable in my own skin which I think is paramount in all this.

    I also have a blog: joannabefree.blogspot.ca where I chronicle my thoughts on gender dysphoria...

    be well,
    Joanna

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    1. Thanks for posting Joanna. I have added your blog to my reading list. There is a lot to read, and I will take a while to chew through it.

      I am envious of you being out of the closet and getting on with your life.

      Why don't you drop me an email? The address is above.

      Vivienne.

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  13. HI Vivienne, I have just stumbled across your blog. Yesterday I was in the car on the way to work, and I turned on the radio to hear a typical breakfast style radio programme with two male and one female announcer. They were allegedly reporting on the "news". The two items I heard (before I had to turn off the programme in disgust) were 1. someone who had won a medal in the Commonwealth games and
    celebrated this by pulling down his pants. The remark by the "news"caster was something along the lines of "I'm not racist but......" and then followed by a totally racist comment about what the genitalia of a certain ethnic group would look like. General hilarity ensued on the part of the newsreader sidekicks. 2. a news item about a bunch of travellers who had their flight delayed on the national carrier, and had to wait a couple of days in transit. The remarks were "boo-hoo", what a bunch of whinging complaining idiots, etc. I share this with you because it made me feel very unsafe for having any other opinion or point of difference, I truly despair sometimes that we might ever have a more inclusive society. I do think a blog such as this is valuable to creating community and to feel like one is not alone.

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    1. Hi! Thanks for posting your comments.

      I think that popular programmes tend to cater for the lowest denominator (or sometimes what they perceive that to be). Sometimes there is a funny take on a particular item of news. I don't honestly see that as a threat, not even to people like me. (And I am sure you are not alone in wincing when you heard the "I'm not racist but" line).

      Vivienne.

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  14. Found you in Quora, just out of curiosity checked your blog and found interesting. Keep on blogging and nice to know you !!!

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    1. Thanks Jinesh. Very nice to have you here. Do feel free to comment on anything you read.

      Vivienne.

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